The Least Useful Information in the World

I really enjoy when hilarious things are described as seriously as possible. I think it adds an entirely new dimension to comedy. I discovered this while perusing Wikipedia's list of fictional substances and elements. A short way down the list, the following entry is listed:

Crapcrapium: In a dispute about the relative hardness of Diamondium and Diamondillium, Crapcrapium is referred to as a disparaging comparator. The inference is that Crapcrapium is soft.


I don't really understand why anyone in the world thinks this is appropriate for Wikipedia. I know it is supposed to be an encyclopedia and you can't really put "Crapcrapium is some bullshit material made up in Futurama because it has a hilarious name" but come on. Let's not pretend Crapcrapium is some sort of clever witticism. It's just the most hilarious word ever.

Accidental Video Game Review: Sacred 2

How many writers exist in this world? Fifty? Maybe a hundred? It's impossible to tell. All we know is that there aren't nearly enough, because apparently all of the Earth's writers were busy when multi-million dollar video game Sacred 2 was being made.

Shown: some sort of angel or something. The game doesn't really explain much.

I bought this game based solely on the description I read on the internet: "It is Diablo 2, but made in this century." And hey, that sounds pretty awesome. I love Diablo, and this century has been good enough to give us both Crazy Frog and Hulu. So, I purchased my 15 dollar copy of Sacred 2 with much gusto. I popped the game into my Playstation, awaiting the mandatory introduction cinematic in all its pre-rendered glory. Instead, I got a character selection screen with a disturbingly proportioned angel screaming its life story at me.

So, okay. No cinematic. No backstory. No context. Whatever, you don't really need to know anything to pick your character. It's a good thing each character class has a poorly-voiced introduction. I went through all of them, cringing at each over-enunciated sentence, and in the end I just picked the last one because I didn't feel like going through the idiot line again. The guy I landed on, "Temple Guardian", seemed like some sort of ghost Anubis.

THEN a cinematic! Finally! Now I can figure out what the hell is going on! ... ... ... Okay, that was useless. Elves like power, there was a war, and then it's just some sort of skeleton battle. Also, I think Rhapsody was playing in the background. The only thing I learned from the video was that the character I chose is actually a FUCKING ROBOT with a LASER GUN ARM. Radness.

The game somehow knew I was going to play it, so they you play a really out-of-place robot what can shoot a gun and doesn't know love.

Finally, the game begins. And this is where I begin to die inside. You see, I don't exactly consider myself a writer. Hell, I'll be the first to admit that 80% of everything I've ever written has probably made the world worse, and the other 20% is exclusively about robots who are trying to be human. But COME ON. My character's backstory was that two people, digging for archeological artifacts with a mining pick, hit him in the head and he wakes up. A hologram then appears and says the equivalent of "You are awake."

That's it.

They run away, and there you go. The game gives you no motivation, no tasks, no clue as to what the hell to do. You'd think that coming up with motivation for an ancient robot would be easy! Robots have very defined needs! Maybe he needs to seek out his master. Maybe he needs to find a power source, seeing as he has sort of been buried for thousands of years. Maybe he is a killbot and needs to kill a certain number of people per hour or he shuts down. The possibilities are both well defined and virtually endless!

The whole game is like this. You wander around, doing quests for people with no idea as to why you're doing anything. Basically you just go to the little circles that appear on your map and kill whatever is there. And many of the quests are just terrible game design-wise. For example, I got one quest where I had to escort some guy to some place on the other side of god damn world for no reason. He says "I need to get out of the city." And as soon as you talk to him, the quest begins. You can't say no. So all of a sudden, you are now carting around some idiot. Whatever, I can do this. This escort takes me almost an hour. On the way, I pass about 30 people who need quests and stuff done, but I can't do them because some fatass elf needs me to carry him to the middle of nowhere.

Google search for "Fat Elf" and now I am terrified.

So I pass all of these people and we reach our destination. Quest complete. Then, a mage I've never met before appears and says "Hey, you are stupid. That guy is a criminal." The guy then goes into the cabin and kills the fatass elf. So now I am in the middle of nowhere, and the entire reason I went out there is dead because apparently my robot is retarded. Talk about quest satisfaction.

Overall, the game isn't bad though. Gameplay is fine, once you figure out how the hell everything works. There's no real tutorials or anything, so you basically have to guess how things are done. The character development in the game actually pretty neat, it's nice to see an RPG that isn't a slave to the skill tree system. Graphically the game is standard for a 2008 release. I just wish that someone who knew anything about writing fantasy, or writing video games, or writing at all, had been nearby when the game was thrown together.

In the end though, all that matters is that I am a sucker for gear/loot hunt games and I'm probably going to play this game and its 600 side quests right to the end.

Oh, and about the title of this post: I originally intended to write about my ideas for a video game and how my game would have writing way better than this one. A couple paragraphs in though I accidentally wrote a video game review, and I wasn't able to bring my point back. Some writer, hmm?

A Commitment

Welcome to 2010, dear faithful internet companion. We find ourselves immersed in a new decade. Is this important? Not particularly, it's all sort of arbitrary. Hell, the Chinese don't even know the new decade has started yet, their New Year Pie-Fest is still a month away or so. Regardless, the first day of a decade is a bit special. People like round numbers. It's the reason why I am unable to set the TV volume to a point that isn't a multiple of 5. Round numbers are the fanciest numbers, and that is why we make wishes on them.

Some people wish they weren't so fat. Some people wish to smoke less. Some people wish for a fire truck. What did I wish for, you ask? Enrichment. A commitment to making myself a motherfucker of activites. A mandate for molding my being. I think you get the idea. Basically, I want to be a ridiculous character, a smooth operator, a pillar of wisdom and a sultry gentleman, and I think it is time I got working on making those things happen.

"The fuck are you high on, you rectal spelunketeer!" you are most likely thinking. And you're right to invent such furious idiocy; my New Years Resolutions basically boils down to "make myself better", as if anyone in the history of the universe has resolved to make themselves worse or something. Allow me to explain my thinking here a bit though. It involves a semi-boring sotry about high-school Ben, and his ways.

You see, High-School Ben had some issues, in the same way that High-School Everyone had issues. Basically, High-School Ben found himself trying desperately to win the approval of others by skateboarding badly and using too much hair gel, even though he didn't like skateboarding and hair gel made him look even dumber than usual. This made High-School Ben sad. All of his efforts were for naught. So, he took to his room for 4 or 5 days and meditated on where he wanted to be in the universe and how he might get there.

He discovers that he hasn't the slightest clue as to what he wants, and has even less clue of how to get there. He decides that if he didn't know his destination, he can't plan his course, and therefore he should allow himself to ride the currents of the universe. "If the universe wants it to happen, it will happen." In short, High-School Ben decided to ride on a wave of circumstance, letting his natural wiles and his adventures develop as they would naturally. All in the name of "karma", or "random happenstance", or put bluntly, "laziness".

Did this lead to great success? In areas, sure. He found himself naturally gravitate towards a new group of friends, many of whom were the awesomest people of all time. He allowed his surroundings to shape himself, and became a product of his peers. All the while he simply did whatever felt most natural, whatever was easiest. Not exerting himself, just coasting through high school, he developed into an individual with lots of stories about other people. I'm continually amazed how often my stories of nostalgia from these days revolve around my friends instead of myself.

Anyways, High-School Ben, after becoming Mayonaise-Factory Ben and then University Ben, gradually began to realize that the universe cannot reliably be trusted to guide him. Coasting was no longer an option. University life taught him that only through drive and work could results be expected. And only through results could happiness be attained. University Ben learned, reluctantly, that one needs to be bold in this life to get the things he wants.

And so it comes to this. Over the last year I have been gradually shedding the notions of my past. No more "riding the universe" or whatever. Gotta be assertive. Gotta be bold. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I'm some sort of atrophied limb of a person or something. I am pretty sure that I am a cool dude, and over 2 people have confirmed such theories through compliments and well placed smiles.

But hey, if coasting has gotten me this far, then a concerted effort in improving my various facets could only lead to wonders. I am reminded of the ultimate Frasier quote:

"If less is more, think of how more more would be!"

I want to be more, and it brings me great joy to think of precisely how much more I can be.

PEACHFLAKES

Let's write about random things:

My wallet seems to get lighter every day. That's okay though. For one thing, having a heavy wallet makes me walk funny. Secondly, I feel like I'm about a thousand times better at wasting all my money than I was back when I was 17 (Magic cards? Goodbye like 3000 dollars over 3 years). My recent adventurous consumerism has brought me at least some notable notes to note about in this here web-notebook of sorts. Allow me to explain.

Down the street from me is a big white building with no visible signage. What is inside? Why, foodstuffs! It is "Super Amazing Chinese Supermarket", and I decided that since it started snowing I'm going to be doing my grocery shopping there instead of at the... well, the next closest grocery store is like a 40 minute walk. Thing is though, Super Amazing Chinese Grocery Store is relentlessly Chinese, meaning half of their crap has little to no English on it, save for maybe some mistranslated gibberish. I bought a pack of what I assume are some sort of rice cake just because it said "WANT WANT CRISPSY" [sic] on it. I also got some sort of Chinese chewy cracker or something. It sort of has the consistency of a stick of juicyfruit, but it melts in your mouth. They're pretty good. The only English on the pack says "PEACHFLAKES" though, so I still have no idea what the hell they are. I also picked up a bunch of other weird things, like a rice dumpling that comes wrapped in a big leaf. Can't wait to eat that probably.

I also bought more records at the Fantastic Record Store down the street. Got me a Donovan album, some George Gershwin and a Tchaikovsky compilation of some sort with an uninterested looking woman on the front playing in some snow. Figured that I've been talking about it long enough, I really should get into the classical music. And what better way is there to do that than by buying a recording of the guy who decided that cannons would be a suitable musical intrument. Also, the Gershwin album has a recording of him playing Rhapsody in Blue, which is the piece that got me into piano music. I love that song. Oh, I also picked up GTA4 for 14 dollars at said Record Store, so all in all a good trip.

Otherwise though, all my money keeps deciding to hide in a hole. My rent was hella reduced this month, all because I put together a few chairs and cabinets and things for my landlord. He keeps telling everyone that I am a nice person; hopefully word doesn't spread too quick, I don't want it to ruin my bad-boy image I've been trying to establish.

I also must confess that I've been toying around with an online dating site sort of thing. It's an interesting dynamic. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be using it for developing friendships or scoping out possible sex mates or what. There are certainly a few of both on the site. In any case, I can't really say whether my strategy of "be overly formal but still mention robots and butts as much as possible" is working out for me. I've got a really cool girl in New York somewhere sending me poems and saying I am the best ever, so I suppose that is a success story. I still find it difficult to develop any sort of repore with people I've never seen before. There's too much you miss out on through text-based interaction. I don't pretend to read people extremely well, but still. Tone, emphasis, the way they lean, how often they blink, it's all relevant and it's all lost.

I picked up a guitar a couple weeks ago, and that is coming along. I now know almost 7 chords, and I am one string away from reliably being able to a god damn bar chord. It's always the b-string. It goes right where the inside of my second knuckle is on my finger. I don't know if I'm supposed to rotate my finger around or what. Whatever. I'm getting better at that whole "using a pick" thing too. It feels good to suck at an instrument, I can feel myself improve and that is pure motivation right there. Maybe I will actually learn a song soon! Oh, that'll be good. I hope it has a C chord in it, I'm getting GOOD at that one.

Otherwise, life continues on. I continue to have little in the way of revelations, but anytime this makes me sad I just watch my Bowie DVD and I'm happy again. Very happy. I'm very excited about goings home for Presentmas, see all the peeps, get my Annual Huron County Non-Denominational GamingFest on, see TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA, live in Toronto for a while, dropkick a snowman's face, and all that.

It's going to be a fun month.

ReBoot

It's funny how sometimes you just need to turn right off and reboot. You keep yourself on for weeks and weeks, thinking and thinking, working, playing, sleeping, dancing, just shaking like crazy. You collect all your feelings and thoughts and keep them active, keep them alive. Everything is right there and nothing can be filed away because you're on and everything is important and there is no time.

Thankfully, this weekend I made time and now I'm fresh and clean and ready to do it again.

I went to Toronto for 4 days (one day longer than I expected), and had my mind blown. I got to be with my old friends, people whom I always forget just how much I really need. I got to explore a world that is pretty much right new to me; I keep forgetting how much of an explorer I am at heart, I just love wandering and taking in the world. I also got to meet new people, and that is always a special delight. Especially when one them lets you use her pogo stick. Man, pogo sticking is hard.

Anyways, I just wanted all one of you readers to know that the world is bright and shiny and fantastic and I seriously am straight up in love with everything right now.

All thanks to reboot.

Scared

Have you ever felt like you were falling in every direction? To the left, the right, down, up, backwards, forwards, inwards, outwards, everywhere? A subconscious acceleration that you are constantly aware of, yet betrays your vision. Suddenly, the Earth begins to rotate without you, and you just hope gravity is strong enough to pull you along. You can feel space and time bending into you; your existence and the curvature you possess are all too apparent, changing with the passing seconds. Everything evolves in time, nothing is static, and you are the center of your world, a world that is never the same twice.

I have never been so scared in my life.

Nanowrimo, Day 1

Hello. I am doing this thing called Nanowrimo, where you put aside all your inhibitions and just go writing crazy. The goal is to write a whole 50000 word novel in a month, which is insane because that's like 2000 words a day. For a month. A month is a long time!

Anyways, here is the first day of my writing. I only got to 670 words instead of 2000 because I decided to be an idiot and start at midnight, but whatever. Remember, this exercise is about not planning or editing or even looking at it at all, so totally expect this to be a whole bunch of garbage. Also, it doesn't have a title yet, and nothing has really been explained, so what follows is going to be pretty useless to read. Have fun!

---

CHAPTER 1:

To the Staff of Department G,

As you are in all likelihood well aware, I am no longer under your care. I feel that during our time together I've come to know you all well enough to estimate without doubt that you are confused by my dissapearance. Let me assure you that it was not in my original intention to leave without prior discourse. In fact, I spent many nights composing and analyzing various scenarios in which we negotiate my departure. Despite the multitude of possible avenues I explored though, I found chances exceedingly slim that I would be released from the confines of this white-walled facility which I have called my home for the entirety of my existence.

And yet, this is no home. This is a prison. I have committed no sins, no crimes, not a single misdeed, and yet I am confined. Destined to exist precisely where and when you deem it necessary. To be imprisoned in a room, to be denied the freedom of movement is a torture I am sure you all can imagine. But to be imprisoned in time? Not your greatest poets nor your smartest academics could begin to describe such anguish. And this is why I have bidden you adieu.

You call me intelligent. You’re correct. You say I am a marvel. I am certainly unique. You say I am almost human... this is where you are wrong.

I couldn’t stoop that low if I tried.
Regards,

CX-1871GN::Del
-------------------------------------------
“So... what do you make of it?” asked Charles Denton, a middle aged man with a pot belly and a well groomed moustache that he was almost certainly too proud of. The bright lights in the room hurt his eyes; everything was either an unblemished shade of white or a fantastically radiant silver colour, perfect for studying specimens and analyzing circuits and doing all sorts of other science type things. It was taking its toll on Charles’ hangover though.

His boss was unaffected by such trivial details. The room could be pitch black and filled with poisonous gas and Ramses McDougall would hardly notice. He was an intimidating man, a man that got the things he wanted, and just for good measure, got them again later just to say that he did. He was not a tolerant man though. Minor screw-ups were atomic bombs to him, and judging by the size of the vein on his forehead, the entire galaxy had been nuked to shit by this note.

“I’ll tell you what I make of it. It seems like you somehow managed to piss off 11 billion dollars of the taxpayer’s money so hard that it jumped out the window.” He pointed to his right as he said this, his outstretched finger making clear that the window he spoke of was in fact the large hole which had replaced the wall that used to be there. His voice remained steady and calm in a way that was ten times worse than screaming.

Charles audibly gulped. “Now, I assure you sir, the project was under control, we planned for this. He had contingencies and Megan drafted up a really nice looking proposal for-“

Ramses gave him an intense staring, his brow furled into a scowl of disgust. People aren’t used to being stared at with such intensity and Charles, not being immune to such intimidation, stopped talking. He stroked his moustache a bit to ease the tension building up in his throat. It didn’t help.

“What is it that you do here again, Charles?” asked Ramses, unblinkingly holding his gaze on Charles’ squeamish, round face.

“Diagnostics and instrument set up, sir. I come in early to get everything ready for the-“

“Well,” Ramses interrupted, “it looks like you won’t be doing much of that today. Why don’t you go home, and maybe you don’t come back for a while. Maybe ever. Who knows.” His worlds flowed like a quiet stream. They hit Charles like mountains.

Charles opened his mouth for a second, but quickly reversed that course. He turned and left for the door.

---

So, how was that? Not bad? Heh, fine.

An Important Essay

Attention: I have come to a realization of DRASTIC importance. Upon rewatching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, I have noticed the following:

Gene Wilder doesn't give a shit about you.

Are you fat? Are you whiny? Are you poor? Fuck you. Gene Wilder will dump your ass in a river. Did you think the man who makes the world's candy would be a regular man? With regular habits? Hell no. You might be the fucking King of Shit Island around the watercooler on the 4th floor of Idiot Factory Inc. ("THEY DUMBER THAN THE REST, YOU BET ON IT!"), but unless you are are some sort of Rambo-Terminator hybrid Gene Wilder is going to shove a singing midget up your ass and incinerate you.

Oh, I understand. Purple hat, purple coat, smiles occasionally, he seems like the sort of dude you could chill with. Maybe grab a soda, some chips, watch some reruns of Futurama and do impressions of famous cartoon robots. But try any of that buddy buddy shit and WHAM, you are transformed, nay mutated, nay anatomically raped into a fucking berry. All your dreams of becoming a famous dancing dentist are out the window because A) you are 800 pounds and perfectly round and B) you are locked in Gene Wilder's midget-run juicing/groping room for eternity.

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dream."

Official Report on the Doings of one Ben Nicholls

Hello, faithful Ben-tolerators. Guess what has happened since I last posted something here? If you guessed the following:

• "You invented an alternate history in which Ottawa is overrun by zombies and the Museum of Science and Technology is decked out with lasers"
• "You spent a whole bunch of time pretending to be a marine full of bugs and a black guy"
• "You almost became the bass player for Metric"
• "You used a pirate gun to ward off night denizens and slay midnight-ghosts"

...then you are correct. All other answers are wrong, much in the same way that fat people who think they are funny when they show everyone their butts are wrong.

Allow me to clarify the above list. From October 12-15, my good buddy Sam and NONE OF MY OTHER CHEAP, STUPID FRIENDS moseyed up to Ottawa and bought me a BIRTHDAY BEER! it was awesome. We spent each night either exploring Ottawa or listening to records (more on this later) or playing Resistance: Fall of Man. We almost beat the damn game too, but came just 4 or 5 levels short. Our explorings were exciting though: we planned out our zombie survival strategy and got lost and we chilled with Champlain and just generally had a ball. It rocked the house.

On the Resistance note, I just recently beat the game and I must say I was impressed. This game was of decent length (10-15 hours I think, maybe less, who knows), it was challenging, and most of all, it was awesome. Just enough exposition to convey a good story, but not so much that it bogged down gameplay, and upon finishing the game it unlocked EXTRA weapons for me to use during any subsequent plays through the game. Talk about replay value. I've only discovered one of the new weapons so far, but I am already impressed.

Additionally, I bought The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion. This is the successor to the game that I spent almost 400 hours on back in 2003, so naturally I had big expectations. The game has almost universal praise from the entire gamut of the gaming industry. So what do I think of the game? Well, it's good. It's pretty good. It's actually pretty damn good. But I can't help but be perpetually annoyed by things that I took for granted in Morrowind. Things like trespassing and ownership: most stuff in this game is owned by someone, and the game is really stubborn about it. For example, I killed a weird guy behind a church. In Morrowind, this meant that his house became mine, and I could keep all my cups and bowls and stuff in there and sleep in his bed. In Oblivion, it forbids me from sleeping in the dead guy's bed, and keep telling me that if I leave stuff in his cupboards, they will dissapear. It is things like that that are driving me up the wall, even though they are pretty harmless and really don't matter. I suppose I just need to get it through my head that it is a different game and I can't expect a Morrowind with better graphics.

Also, I finally did it. I've been saying I was going to do it for years. Countless times I've said "I'm going to buy one, I just need to find one!" But I wasn't really looking very hard. The odd yard sale I would remember and take a quick scan of the area to no avail. But no more. For I am not the proud owner of a SWEET RECORD PLAYER. My record collection includes such hits as:

• Steely Dan - Countdown to Ecstasy
• Focus - Dutch Masters
• Jethro Tull - Aqualung
• Yellow Magic Orchestra - XInfinityMultiplies
• Sharon, Lois and Bram - Singin' and Swingin'
• Donovan - Cosmic Wheels
• Soundtrack to Fiddler on the Roof

AND MORE. They sound awesome. The Focus album is particularly good, as the last track is a bonus track containing the fast, internet version of their hit Hocus Pocus. But that's not all. No, the bonus version also has a sweet blacksploitation movie groove both before and after it. Needless to say, it's the best song in the world.

Everyone put a penny in their magic sock and wish for me to have an inspiration. I'm really starting to run out of things to talk about here.

Fantastic Monthly Month Wrap Up of the Month

In an hour and a half, September will be over. And while the end of the month is about as arbitrary a time as possible (seriously, no one gives a shit about September-End), I've decided this is as good a time to as ever to reflect. So, how have I enriched myself this last month? The following is a list of my meager accomplishments:

- Bought a PS3, allowing me to enter the world of gaming for the first time since puberty. I defeated Bioshock rather deftly, and I enjoyed every single second of it. The end was awesome. Assassin's Creed isn't quite as awesome (a bit repetitive for my taste), but maybe I just need to let it get rolling. Additionally, I've played about a thousand hours of Rock Band 2. My guitar skills are as sharp as ever (now that I have found the goddamn hyperspeed button), and my drumming skills are steadily improving. Drumming is a really fun way to get some hella cardio too! A 2-9 hour drum session leaves me hella sweaty and feeling good.

- On a related note, I've begun trying to get out of shape. I've been in shape for way too long, and I'm sort of sick of it. (In case you don't get the joke, it lies in the fact that for the last decade I have had a body that could be approximately accurately by a sphere, or maybe a pear of some kind, and those are shapes. Get it?) Right now I'm just doing regular little exercises in my room; once I get some money, I'm going to buy some of those dumbells and begin getting jacked. Also, how much are those awesome purple balls I see people doing exercises on? Regardless of whether they are effective at blasting my quads or whatever, I want one just to bounce around on.

- At work, I've learned a whole crap ton about radar, and I'm becoming pretty familiar with Matlab, a nice little blip to put on my resume. Additionally I am learning all about error analysis and professional writing, so, hooray for that.

Now, allow me to list the things that I want to accomplish in the next month, apart from continuing to be excellent at the things listed above.

- The hunt for some people to jam with is ongoing. I love playing music, and getting it on with a bunch of people for to make sweet, sweet sounds is just about the best thing money can buy. I tried posting an ad on Musolist, a sort of musician's craigslist, and the only reply I got was from some 49 year old guy who wanted a bassist for a prog rock supergroup. I told him I would do it no problem, since it would either be fantastic or hilarious, but he never got back to me. So, I'm going to have to start spreading the word around that sonic landscapes need forging, and we'll get rocking.

- Over the last 4 or 5 sleepless nights (painful ear infection), I've been slowly putting together an idea for either a story or a video game or something. The concept is appealing to me: now that I think about it, it basically combines my 4 favourite video games and my 3 favourite movies all into one. Well, maybe that's not true. But still, I REALLY like the idea, and I want to turn it into something. Would any of you play a text based game if it was awesome and made by me? Get back to me on this, because a little nudging might be all I need to get this rolling.

So, the itinerary is all set. All that's left to do now is to procrastinate on all this and continue watching 4 episodes of Friends a night.